It seems overtired ramblings are almost becoming a theme here.

I went to bed 3 hours ago.

I laid there for 2 of the last 3 hours and was unable to fall asleep.  Instead of getting frustrated I got up and did some chores I should have done before bed – wash, dry and put away the dishes, fold the load of dry laundry, prepare Ezekiel’s lunch for tomorrow.

So all that is done, but while I was doing it I was mulling over WHY in the world am I still awake?? I very very rarely suffer from insomnia (unless I’m sleeping during the day post night shift).  I am having quite a bit of heartburn tonight – despite a ginormous dose of a PPI prescribed for that.  So that could be it, or at least contributing.  Is it stress – that too is likely contributing.  Although I don’t feel super stressed I can’t deny that my current health is starting to really weigh heavy.

The interesting thing is that I no longer fear it being something incredibly serious and scary.  I’m not really sure why – my symptoms have become even worse than they were the last time I wrote.  I’m not going to get into that again but it’s pretty bad now.  Even as bad as it is I still catch myself daily analyzing them – is it really as bad as I’m making it out to be? (yes) Is it really necessary to get so many investigations? (yes) Can’t I just live with this – make it my new normal? (no)

I think I’ve officially come to the point of frustration and I’m realizing the frustration all lies in lack of control.  Of course it sucks to feel crappy all.the.time. but the frustrating part comes in not being able to do anything I had planned for the year.  I had really big plans this year – MCAT, Yoga, Steps, possibly baby #2 and all of that has been thrown off course, put on hold.  I’m here waiting for the next step but the next step isn’t even in my line of sight.

The internal medicine doctor that I have been seeing is equally stumped and frustrated.  He can’t clinically narrow down a diagnosis and so we wait for more tests and more consults meanwhile trying to treat the symptoms – which has been difficult and unsuccessful thus far.  I’ve tried desperately to manage the symptoms with diet thinking maybe if I just get a little more strict with this or that – maybe that will fix it.  Nothing I’ve tried thus far has worked.

So here I am, unable to sleep overanalyzing life desperately trying to cling to control of anything. It’s probably why I’ve become even more obsessed with plants (it’s a real problem) and why I wore myself thin trying to get my greenhouse up and running (IT IS! YAY! More on that later).  Tonight I’ll just try and accept what is and live life anyways – starting with sleep.

Stress Away is diffusing, chamomile tea is being sipped and worship music is playing.  I think those will all help.

Good night friends, thanks for sticking with me through my ramblings.