33 Weeks and Counting

Well, here I sit in the same hospital bed I was in only 3 short weeks ago wondering if this time I’ll be going home pregnant or not.  At this point I’m betting on still pregnant but really – who knows?!

It’s nothing that’s new and exciting at this point – more of the same old threatened preterm labor.  My cervix seems to be slowly changing and getting ready for labor – keyword “slowly” so honestly I don’t think it’s going to happen right away.  If I were anyone else I would have been sent home to wait it out.

I came in Saturday because I had some lower abdominal pain that was new and hadn’t gone away in 18 hours.  Then I became crampy and had the criteria of 6 contractions per hour for two consecutive hours.  Honestly had it not been for the new pain I would have stayed home with those contractions because they were so irregular and didn’t feel much different than anything else I had previously.  I came in reluctantly – at this point the “better safe than sorry” mantra only convinces me so much because I get here and things ALWAYS settle down.  Yet I came in anyways.

They hooked me up and could see some uterine activity and they checked me and my cervix was still pretty long but now dilated at the top.  At first they were going to send me home if they checked in two hours and nothing changed but then decided that because I was still having contractions that they weren’t comfortable with that plan and they would admit me.  They did recheck and nothing had changed thankfully.  That night was pretty uneventful but the next day I was really crampy and having contractions so they checked again and my cervix had shortened and softened but remained at 1 cm.  Due to the shortening and softening they kept me another night and here I am today playing the waiting game (and doing A LOT of knitting!).

Last night I was checked once more and there has been “no change” but here’s the very frustrating part of having several different people sticking their fingers in ungodly places – no one has the same perception or finger size of the other! One persons long is another’s short.  One persons open is another’s closed.  So really who the heck knows what’s going on down there really! This morning I had a couple hours of crazy cramping and lots of contractions but they’ve settled and so they haven’t checked me again but are keeping me another night at least.  If I can go the evening/night/morning with no crazy contractions they’ll send me home tomorrow.

The thing is – because of my previous silent labor with my son and because my delivery is not straightforward they don’t want to send me home without being absolutely 100% sure I am definitely not in any silent labor.  They would rather me be here and have a heads up and time to arrange for my c-section than me come in super dilated and have to rush me to an OR.  The only thing they can give to slow contractions is a blood pressure medication but my blood pressure is super low and I’m already on a beta-blocker as it is so it’s not a safe option for me.

I get it and to be honest I’m no longer as stressed out as I was with previous admissions.  I am now 33 weeks and I feel great about that.  I would love to make it even farther but if we don’t I know that we will only face a few weeks in NICU and baby will be just fine.  Since being sent home after my admission three weeks ago I’ve been noticing subtle hints (and not so subtle) that my body is preparing to deliver.  I’ve had far more bad days then good – just generally not feeling good.  Lots of nausea, cramping, contractions.  I’ve just been waiting for the more clear signs.  Honestly I would be so thankful if my water just broke because then I would KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that this was it.  Instead I’m hanging in limbo, waiting, guessing and over analyzing every single little thing.  It’s quite frustrating really.

Am I ready to have a baby? Heck no! In all this craziness I think I’m still not mentally prepared to be bringing a life into this world and to not be pregnant anymore.  This being our last baby I’m having all sorts of emotions about the end of pregnancy for my life.  Yet delivery is imminent and there’s not much I can do to delay it so I guess I’ll just have to adjust!

Since I didn’t get a 32 week update up in time here’s last weeks pic.

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28 Weeks

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Well as of last Sunday I hit the coveted 28 week mark.  Although still VERY early to deliver (and I’m certain I won’t be delivering in the next week or so), hitting the third trimester and getting farther along, closer to 40 weeks the statistics improve drastically.  I’m a stats girl, I like numbers, I like rationalizing through numbers and like looking at odds.  I often browse medical literature related to any and all conditions I have just looking at the numbers and so 28 weeks? I’m liking the numbers more and more.

I remember a few years ago talking to someone who had a premature baby and she was telling me how the week after she gave birth an app on her phone that she hadn’t disabled gave her a notification that said “Congratulations! You’ve hit the third trimester!” She talked about the pure shock and heartbreak that message brought her. I remember thinking how awful that would have been, what a desperate situation.  I can’t imagine being robbed of that much time feeling your baby on the inside and nurturing it like no one else can.

Given that I was so close to a similar situation I am not taking any day, hour or moment for granted.  Sure sitting around sucks, but I’m feeling so much better than I was even a couple weeks ago and can do just a tiny bit more than I could before as well.  I probably push myself a little too much on certain days and definitely pay for it the next day or two but I’m no longer stressing over every contraction or pain.  I’m beginning to learn this new body of mine.  Slowly starting to trust it and trust myself again.  When I initially went to labour and delivery the day I was admitted I had NO clue what was happening and as the hours unfolded that feeling just got worse and worse.  It was so unfamiliar to me, so scary.  I’m extremely aware of my body to the point that when I explain things to doctors it baffles them that I feel how I do and can explain it the way I do.  The things they may stress over I can 100% guarantee are not stress worthy things and sure enough every test will come back negative – they find comfort in that and I only want to say “I told you so.” When I was discharged from the hospital I was still in that scary place of not being able to trust myself with deciphering what my body was telling me and I was terrified to go home.  Today I am closer to being that girl that can listen to her body and know what it’s capable of and when to stop.  Of course, as always I push it’s limits and I probably shouldn’t – I could be playing with fire, but I’m listening and trying to be kind to it.

So 28 weeks has been a good week and I’m looking forward to 10 more of the same before I meet this precious babe of mine.