Spring has Sprung

Ah, can you tell I’m back to work? The silence here is telling of life these days.

Stress, worry, stress, and worry.

When that happens I retreat into a shell, only tackling what absolutely must be done (and cleaning, always cleaning because that I CAN control).

With the longest winter ever, returning back to work, figuring out child care, a jobless and very stressed husband, [trying] to pay bills and buy groceries, health problem after health problem for each member of our family, and a baby who is having separation anxiety I have been dealing with my own mental health.  For a while there I was scared that I was actually starting to truly be depressed.  I noticed the signs of anxiety, the feelings of hopelessness and loss of control, the inability to control my thought processes.  There were several times I thought about making a doctors appointment – our physician is a strong advocate for mental health and screens for it with every visit, sometimes discreetly and other times bluntly but I have ALWAYS appreciated that.  With every snowfall I felt the pressure more and more, and I began to understand why many people struggle in the winter months.  I also began to understand why it’s important to get outside, stay active, and eat healthy in every season – something I DID NOT do this winter.

Anyways, with the much anticipated change in weather I feel the fog lifting, the anxiety dissipating, and my thoughts focused less on the negatives and much more on the positives.  With the changes in my mental clarity I am also beginning to make and implement plans to get healthier because that is also something I can control.

Frankly I’ve been wondering if this day would come again, I’ve thought about it often. About how my desire and passion for healthy living was put to the side as I dealt with a very difficult 1.5-2 years of health issues and then a complicated pregnancy and finally the recovery from that pregnancy and [ungraceful] transition to a mother of two.  Even my love of cooking had faded and I really only cooked out of necessity.  I still tried to eat balanced and definitely stuck to my convictions with feeding my children.  We still mainly eat fresh food but our budget has shrunk drastically and so the quality of food we can afford has also suffered as a result.  Since I have such strong feelings about food I have really struggled to want to cook or eat the food we can afford to buy.  I realize that fresh is always better than processed but it’s still been a significant struggle for me and has had a huge impact on my motivation to live a healthier lifestyle.

Having said all that, I feel as though I am finally in a place that I can start to make some small changes for my health.  I’m not making any grande plans that will be hard to keep with but something I do want to eventually end up doing is following the Autoimmune Protocol.  I don’t think I can implement it all in one shot but I am going to try and implement it little by little.  I also hope to get more active – walk A LOT, stretch and maybe get some other simple strengthening exercises in.  I’m at a disadvantage right now because I’m having some major back issues but hopefully it all clears up quickly and doesn’t affect me long term so I can get going! Something else I need to get back to doing is seeing my chiropractor – I was lucky enough to find an incredible chiropractor before getting pregnant with Eden but with such a hard pregnancy and very limited finances I had to stop going but I know I need to start up again soon.

You also know that gardening season has begun and so that is a major source of mental health for me and I’m so excited for this years garden.  I’ll be sure to post about it often!

Did you struggle this winter? Give me some simple healthy changes you think I should be implementing! I’m all ears!

Truth

If you are a woman who has had children, or anyone who has known a woman while she was carrying a child then you most likely know that the task is not an easy one.  It’s not all fun bump pics and planning nurseries.  It’s exhausted days, sickness for weeks (or months), growing out of clothing, adjusting to lots of new weight and a new centre of gravity, it’s painful kicks to ribs and cervixes, running to empty your measly bladder every 10 minutes, it’s new sensations and worries about each one – and the list goes on.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s also joy, expectations, dreams, anticipation and feelings of love like you’ve never had before (spoiler alert that love intensifies with every single day).

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a co-worker about my pregnancy.  She was wondering how I was feeling, I gave my usual response of a shrug and “not to bad actually” and then I said, “I actually don’t mind being pregnant at all.”  See, being pregnant with Marfan Syndrome poses some risks that aren’t always present in a healthy woman’s pregnancy and it also means that my joints have a much harder time adjusting to the extra hormones and weight that my body accumulates.  Most people think I’m crazy when I say I don’t mind being pregnant because they see me waddle around like I’m 40 weeks pregnant but the waddle starts around week 10-12 because my hips and my pelvis begin to become painful.  Usually the pain increases every 2-3 weeks and I mentally take about 5-7 days to adjust to the increase and then life is fine again.

Yesterday, however, I came home after work with pain that was normal and by the time I got into bed at 6:45pm I could barely lift my legs into the bed.  My pain had not only intensified this time but I began to have new pains that I had never experienced before.  I tried and tried and tried to get comfortable and finally fell into a very fitful uncomfortable sleep.  I woke up at 1:30 right on schedule with my bladder, and I couldn’t fall back asleep again but instead of it being simple pregnancy insomnia it was because I was still in so much pain.  Then I let the pain do something to me that I never let it do, I let it get to me mentally.  So I lay in bed last night going through all the what ifs in my life right now.

  • What if I can’t adjust to this pain this time?
  • What if the pain continues to get so bad I literally can’t walk?
  • What if I really do have to stop working early?
  • What if my last echo (on Nov 1) shows really bad news?
  • What if I have to have open heart surgery while pregnant or worse while I have a NICU baby?
  • What if I can’t carry this baby to full term?
  • What if we can’t pay our bills?
  • What if……

Honestly, it was ridiculous! Yes those are all risks of my pregnancy but as of right now they aren’t imminent risks (aside from the pain) and they aren’t risks I ever overly stress about.  As I lay in bed worrying about my ability to overcome my pain I let my mind get the best of me and finally I had to just yell at myself to STOP being so ridiculous.

I made myself remember the truth that I know:

  • This baby was conceived and given life for a reason beyond my ability to understand.

If I truly believe that (which I do) then I have to believe that every struggle along the road of bringing this babe Earth-side is not only worth it but also possible.  I also have to believe that life will work itself out, every detail will fall into place and every “what if” will fall to the wayside.  It might not be how I would like it to happen, and it might come with even more struggles but it WILL work out.

I wrote this all out, not just for my own processing, but also as a reminder to whoever reads it that life works itself out.  Whatever struggle you are dealing with – surrender to the process and remember that the end will come eventually, it’ll be hard and strenuous but it will be worth it.