Who I am…

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On July 13 I made a decision to take a social media break – at the time I only had Instagram.  It seemed like a decision made abruptly to those around me, but in truth it was a decision I had been contemplating for weeks if not months.  I didn’t plan to delete my Instagram app on July 13 but I had come to a place physically, mentally, and spiritually that I had had enough.  Enough of what? I actually wasn’t sure and for the past two months I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I knew that I felt God pulling me towards this break, to take time to focus my energies elsewhere (more on Him perhaps?).  So early in the morning in the midst of scrolling Instagram I exited out of the app and deleted it in the same breath.  Right after doing it I was in a bit of disbelief – did I really just do that?! Then the next thought – now what?

Well the summer went on, I did more soul searching, praying, reading, listening and honestly I felt no answers.  The first week and a bit I really missed it but after that life just went on and I barely thought about it.  Every so often I’d do a quick soul check and pray about getting it back but I never felt released to do so and I was perfectly OK with that.

Then a few weeks ago I decided to get Facebook back – if you know me you know this was a huge decision for me.  I’ve made my strong dislike for Facebook known, but it’s time to start getting rid of some baby gear and clothes and so I decided to get Facebook purely for the buy and sell groups and Varagesale.  I didn’t add any friends but several people found me, and slowly my friends list grew.  Then I joined a few Young Living groups and began to love them! Last night after a lot of debate and deliberation with myself I decided I would add all the people I knew that popped up on my suggested friends list.  I had this sudden urge to connect.  Similarly, today I re-downloaded Instagram and felt such a peace about it. Up until today I hadn’t fully known why I felt so strongly about deleting Instagram and although I had tried a few times to write about it and sort through my thoughts I never felt released to do that either.

Today though I finally feel like I have some clarity, and I feel released to write again.

At the time I didn’t realize how I was feeling – isolated, lonely, lost, trapped, no energy, lack of motivation.  I’m reluctant to say I was depressed – maybe it’s pride but truly I don’t feel as though I was truly depressed, I just lacked insight and that was bothering me and manifesting in depressive symptoms.  When I deleted the app I felt as though I had very little community that was true and real and I didn’t want to replace true community with false community.  Here’s where it gets good – today I had this amazing realization that ALL community is REAL community.  Online or in physical form – community is community, people are people.

I spent the last two months bouncing between trying to grasp physical community in full force – planning something several days of the week and being utterly exhausted from overbooking us and dealing with a baby that needed to catch up on sleep.  So one week I was a social butterfly, the next week I was a hermit.  Today I realized that I just needed to accept the place in life that I am and stop pitying myself and wishing I was in a different place. It took me deleting Instagram for me to be able to do that.  Now that I have it’s time to embrace all of who I am:

A mom of two – one being a baby that needs ample amounts of sleep.

A self proclaimed homebody.

A woman recovering from the most exhausting and taxing 2 years of life physically, mentally and emotionally.

A wife needing to connect and stay connected to her husband in a new season of life.

A friend who desires connection in all forms and desires to give that same connection back.

A beloved daughter of the King and member of His Kingdom.

I seriously feel so much more at peace, with who I am, where I am, and the communities I belong to.

What are you being challenged with?

 

 

Letting go…

I am now 23 weeks pregnant and some things have changed for the better.  All of my physical ailments are still present and mostly worse – so no good change there.  I was reflecting this morning how much this pregnancy has humbled me.  My fantasy for my second pregnancy before becoming pregnant was that I would be a beacon of health, that I would be in tip top shape and sail through a second pregnancy.  However, this pregnancy has been the exact opposite.  I went into it still not healthy from my months of health issues that were happening this past year (that are still not figured out).  My first trimester consisted of constant nausea and exhaustion resulting in me sleeping the majority of my free time away.  My joint pain started extremely early at 8 weeks and has only progressed and worsened, resulting in me being unable to do much in terms of physical activity.  Simple tasks like laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping or errand running bring on types of pain I didn’t know existed.

So, this pregnancy is not what I had imagined, yet it is teaching me and pulling me in ways that I really needed.  I am learning that despite what I think I am not an island to my own.  I cannot possibly do everything by myself, I truly need a village.  I have had to ask for help and accept my limitations so much and so early on.  I have to rely on my husband to do things like take out the garbage and carry the laundry up and down the stairs.  He’s had to make and clean up meals far more than he’s used to.  I have had to ask for help from all of my physicians – suggestions on how to just live with a little bit of quality of life (and they have been excellent).  I have had to sit down with my manager numerous times and ask for modifications in my work – schedule and duties and she has done it willingly and with so much grace and understanding.  I have had to lean on God like I haven’t had to in so long (this is really good for me).  When someone is over and they ask if they can help I am eager to pass off tasks instead of decline and do it myself.  I have had to settle for “good enough” instead of “perfect” when it comes to my house cleanliness.

So no, this pregnancy is so very far from what I desired and dreamt about but it is absolutely everything I need in my life right now.  It’s so easy for me to get wrapped up in accomplishing everything alone, I’m an independent person through and through.  This year has been a full year of struggling with my health and it’s taken this pregnancy for me to let go of the guilt and disappointment of it all.  Of my health plummeting and with it my weight increasing and activity decreasing, of not being able to accomplish everything I want to each day because of pain and exhaustion, of struggling financially because I can’t work over full time like I did in 2015.  I’m letting it all go and embracing the community of people that surrounds me that desires to help me.

We all need a community to lean on and I’m so very thankful for mine.

Reflections and Hopes

Hello again!

It’s been a long two months of absence and I’m not about to make any empty promises of a regular return.  In truth I haven’t even thought a lot about this little space in the past two months.  Life has been stressful, more professionally than personally but it’s taken a huge toll on me.  I’m ending 2015 feeling very abnormal, very not myself and frankly it’s been a bit scary to realize how unlike myself I have become.  Physically I’m run down, I have symptoms that are vague but scare me.  Mentally I’m nowhere near where I’d like to be, I find it hard to be upbeat and cheery and some days although I don’t feel depressed I wonder if this is how depression can sneak up on people.  Spiritually I’m almost completely absent, I just don’t have the energy to invest.

Once again I find myself in a precarious employment situation, and once again I’m trusting that the Lord knows – always – and something will inevitably work itself out.  It always does.  Yet, it’s still stressful – funny how our hearts speak the truth but our minds continue to wander to the lies.

I’m smack dab in the middle of a 4 night run of night shifts and instead of sleep on my break my mind was racing and I thought what better time to try and get out in words the storm of thoughts that have been accumulating.  December does this to me, as much as I love Christmas (gift giving is my favourite) I also love the end of the year and beginning of a new one.  Time for reflection and clean slates.

In 2015 I dubbed my “One Little Word” to be THRIVE and in some ways I feel like I achieved that but in more ways it was a complete and utter failure.  I’m ok with that though, I’ve learned more and more that extending grace to ourselves in our weaknesses is far better than expecting perfection.  I feel like I thrived professionally, I owned my responsibilities and I did the very best that I could.  I tried hard to go above and beyond expectations, I learned SO MUCH and grew immensely as a nurse.  As a Momma I also feel like I thrived – not without stumbles of course, but overall I feel like that was one part of me that survived and did well.  In taking care of myself I fell flat on my face.  There was no balance in that regard – the way I fed my body was not all terrible but wasn’t even close to how I want eat.  I barely moved my body at all this year and I continued to be on a downward spiral in terms of how I feel overall.  If 2014 was the best year for my body 2015 was almost opposite – only because I now know what it feels like to feel WELL.  As a wife I struggled so much.  My husband is one of the most amazing people I know but I really struggled with having enough energy to invest in US.  Don’t get me wrong – we aren’t struggling in the slightest as a couple, but we will before too long unless I step it up.

Although 2015 brought so much joy, happiness and fulfilment I’m not sad to see it go.  I’m ready for a new word and a clean slate.

My “One Little Word” for 2016:

INTENTIONAL

So many areas of my life deserve and need some intentionality:

  1. Marriage – I’m determined to be present in this partnership, to push past the exhaustion and go the extra mile.  I don’t think it has to be big and extravagant but it has to be intentional.  Instead of going to bed early because I’m too tired to even think about having a conversation, I’ll stay up that extra 30 minutes to simply ask “how was your day?”.  Once a month I’ll set aside a budget for date night and make sure that it happens.
  2. Myself – I deserve some intentionality, I deserve some focus.  I can’t even recall how many times I’ve been sick this year, how many times my body has been so exhausted or how many times it’s been in insane amounts of pain.  Some of this is out of my control but I would be amiss not to admit that a lot of it is completely within my control.  In 2016 I will again be going gluten free and I will again be moving my body more those are the 2 absolute promises I’m making myself and I hope that the domino effect occurs and that one by one bad habits will dissipate as new good habits form. Instead of crawling into bed at 730 or 8 I’ll make sure that I’m staying to do the things that bring me life – creating!  I’m also going to be starting on a lifelong dream of mine – I’m not ready to write about it yet but it’s already in the works and I’m excited to start!
  3. Friendships – This is the area of my life that 100% fell to the wayside this past year.  I can probably count on my hands how many times I met up with friends this year.  It’s terrible and one of my biggest regrets.  Thankfully I have friends full of grace and love and I’m learning to have grace with myself as well.  This year of learning how to be a full time working momma and how to teach my heart not to rip in two every minute I’m away from Ezekiel has taken a toll on my friendships.  Ezekiel is a bit older now and although my love has only intensified for him, I’m learning to let go just a little bit more.  Where I wouldn’t leave him home to meet up with friends, I know now that if that’s the only way I’m going to be able to invest once again, then that’s just what I’ll have to do.
  4. Motherhood – This is probably the area in my life that I was the most intentional and the area that is the easiest to be intentional with.  Yet there is always room for improvement!  I plan on doing a lot more one on one play and reading with Ezekiel this year, far more exploring and adventuring.  Instead of spending 30 extra minutes in the kitchen I’ll spend it on the floor diving into the imagination of a 2 year old.

Well, there you have it – the reflections of what was and hopes for what is.  2016 is bound to be another year of immeasurable growth but I’m more than ready!