Motherhood – The Secret To Success


Every morning I wake up between 5 and 530.

Yep it’s early but when I wake up (sometimes by my own internal clock and others by my babies hungry cries) I look forward to going down the stairs, pouring my hot cup of coffee, making my bowl of yogurt and granola and sitting on the couch with the fire going in silence and most importantly – alone.

I need that time, desperately need that time.  It doesn’t matter how many times I had to wake up in the night to give the baby her soother or feed her (typically it’s only twice but sometimes 3 or 4 times).  It doesn’t matter how tired I am, replacing that morning ritual with more sleep inevitably leads to my patience only lasting until 8 am instead of 6 pm.

It’s amazing to me how much I need that time in the morning.  That start to my day is the cornerstone of my sanity as a mother.

Sure there’s the odd day every so often, maybe once a month or once every 6 weeks, that the kids wake up abnormally early (6 am instead of 7 or 8) and I miss out on my morning time but we make it through those days.  I do a lot of deep breathing, a lot of reviewing my thoughts before they become words, maybe we watch an extra episode of a favourite show or maybe we just go out and have some fun instead of the doing the housework that was on the agenda.  Regardless, when the day is done so am I and I pray for more time the next morning to refill my introverted gas tank.

I often get asked how I do so many things, how am I so motivated?

This is my secret – I make sure I have some time alone, to recharge, to reflect, to journal, to read, to write, to listen, to pray, to meditate.  I start the day by setting my intentions and I end the day by reviewing how it went and what I can do better tomorrow.

Some people don’t thrive like this, they don’t crave an orderly, organized, routined environment, that helps them accomplish tasks at home.  Those people have different secrets to their motherhood successes and their successes are usually much different than mine.  Usually they are out on adventures, doing crafts, running errands and looking perfect while doing it.

The truth is they look at me and wish they could accomplish more at home and I look at them and wish I could provide more carefree adventures for my children (and look good doing it).

The other truth is even if both of us were granted our wishes we would feel no less fulfilled or happy, in fact we would probably feel frazzled and very unsatisfied.

Still more truth: though our lives look different we are both amazing mothers doing the best we can. 

The secret to every mothers success?

Mothering from the deepest parts of who we are and being true to that person, forgetting about every voice that tries to push us down and make us feel guilty for who we are or what we don’t accomplish that day.  Our success lies in the ability to understand that we are who we are and we were created to be the mother of these tiny little miracles.

Glasses and Genetics


We recently learned that our oldest – Ezekiel – would need glasses.  It’s taken me some time to process this, and I’m surprised at my internal response to this need.  At first it didn’t phase me, and quite honestly it didn’t surprise me at all, not because I thought he was having trouble seeing (I didn’t pick up on any signs) but because I’ve been wearing glasses since I was 2.  Yet the closer we came to actually ordering and picking up the glasses the more conflicted I became.

Glasses are now going to be a permanent accessory for Ezekiel.  From now until he dies he will need to wear glasses.  This is huge, and maybe I think it’s huge because I absolutely hate wearing glasses, I hate that I have to wear glasses to see, I hate picking out glasses and I don’t enjoy them as an accessory.  To clarify, I love being able to see and I am grateful for such a tool that allows me to see clearly and I’m grateful for healthy eyes but I still hate glasses.  I hate even more that my son is having to wear glasses at such a young age.  I’ve been processing this for a while and asking myself why I hate it so much.  I mean, it’s really not a big deal at all and I shouldn’t be making it one but I just couldn’t shake the disappointed feeling.  People’s first response when I tell them that Ezekiel needs glasses is: there are some really cute kids glasses, he’ll be so cute!

Yes, he’s cute in general and glasses do add another level of cuteness (he could seriously be a glasses model) but it wasn’t just the physical appearance that I’ve been processing and I was trying to put my finger on why.

Yesterday I think I came to understand why.

Genetics.

We all know that when you have children you pass on certain traits.  When talking about evolution, passing on traits is the reason plants and animals procreate.  The thing is, we really only want to pass on the good traits especially when it comes to physical traits.  We also all know that we can never just pass on the good traits, we pass on so many more things.  Now, I’m not a genetics expert, in fact I know very very little about genetics (I really should know more) but I do know a few things:

  1. When a child is conceived they receive 23 chromosomes from you and 23 from your partner/co-creator.
  2. In most cases nothing goes wrong with that.
  3. In other cases there’s a chromosome missing or an extra chromosome that sneaks in.
  4. In still other cases you or your partner (or both) pass on some form of mutation in any of those chromosomes.
  5. In still other cases a mutation just “magically” appears.

I know many stories of all of these situations and I am one such story.  I have a genetic condition that is the result of a “magical” mutation.  I have Marfan Syndrome which is an autosomal dominant condition meaning you only need one copy of the defected gene to have the disorder.  The way you receive that copy is from one of your parents – unless it’s not (like me).  My mutation just happened with absolutely no family history but I have a 50% chance of passing it on to my children.  I’ve never cared about passing on my gene in theory.  When conceiving and carrying my children and even now I have the option to have them tested for this mutation.  I’ve always chosen not to because at this point it changes nothing.  Having said that I am in constant wonder and always looking for signs that they did receive that mutated copy of my gene.  So far, other than having a bit fairer skin then the typical mixed race child they really have very little physical traits that associate them as my children and I’ve always taken that as a sign (and hoped it was a sign) that I didn’t not pass on my mutated gene.

Until now.

Now I question it.

Now I wonder.

Now I’m on full alert.

It’s unknown if astigmatism is genetic but it is known that the chance of astigmatism is higher in a person with Marfan Syndrome.  Of course astigmatism is also prevalent in the general population so it’s not a good sign of Marfan Syndrome but for me it places a check mark on that mental list I have going of physical traits of Marfan Syndrome.  Up until now that list has been blank. Now I find myself wondering and running through the possibility and coming up with imaginary scenarios.

So yes, glasses is not a big deal in reality but to me it means just a little bit more.

Thankfully though, Ezekiel can see much better and in the end that’s what really matters here.

 

 

Who I am…

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On July 13 I made a decision to take a social media break – at the time I only had Instagram.  It seemed like a decision made abruptly to those around me, but in truth it was a decision I had been contemplating for weeks if not months.  I didn’t plan to delete my Instagram app on July 13 but I had come to a place physically, mentally, and spiritually that I had had enough.  Enough of what? I actually wasn’t sure and for the past two months I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I knew that I felt God pulling me towards this break, to take time to focus my energies elsewhere (more on Him perhaps?).  So early in the morning in the midst of scrolling Instagram I exited out of the app and deleted it in the same breath.  Right after doing it I was in a bit of disbelief – did I really just do that?! Then the next thought – now what?

Well the summer went on, I did more soul searching, praying, reading, listening and honestly I felt no answers.  The first week and a bit I really missed it but after that life just went on and I barely thought about it.  Every so often I’d do a quick soul check and pray about getting it back but I never felt released to do so and I was perfectly OK with that.

Then a few weeks ago I decided to get Facebook back – if you know me you know this was a huge decision for me.  I’ve made my strong dislike for Facebook known, but it’s time to start getting rid of some baby gear and clothes and so I decided to get Facebook purely for the buy and sell groups and Varagesale.  I didn’t add any friends but several people found me, and slowly my friends list grew.  Then I joined a few Young Living groups and began to love them! Last night after a lot of debate and deliberation with myself I decided I would add all the people I knew that popped up on my suggested friends list.  I had this sudden urge to connect.  Similarly, today I re-downloaded Instagram and felt such a peace about it. Up until today I hadn’t fully known why I felt so strongly about deleting Instagram and although I had tried a few times to write about it and sort through my thoughts I never felt released to do that either.

Today though I finally feel like I have some clarity, and I feel released to write again.

At the time I didn’t realize how I was feeling – isolated, lonely, lost, trapped, no energy, lack of motivation.  I’m reluctant to say I was depressed – maybe it’s pride but truly I don’t feel as though I was truly depressed, I just lacked insight and that was bothering me and manifesting in depressive symptoms.  When I deleted the app I felt as though I had very little community that was true and real and I didn’t want to replace true community with false community.  Here’s where it gets good – today I had this amazing realization that ALL community is REAL community.  Online or in physical form – community is community, people are people.

I spent the last two months bouncing between trying to grasp physical community in full force – planning something several days of the week and being utterly exhausted from overbooking us and dealing with a baby that needed to catch up on sleep.  So one week I was a social butterfly, the next week I was a hermit.  Today I realized that I just needed to accept the place in life that I am and stop pitying myself and wishing I was in a different place. It took me deleting Instagram for me to be able to do that.  Now that I have it’s time to embrace all of who I am:

A mom of two – one being a baby that needs ample amounts of sleep.

A self proclaimed homebody.

A woman recovering from the most exhausting and taxing 2 years of life physically, mentally and emotionally.

A wife needing to connect and stay connected to her husband in a new season of life.

A friend who desires connection in all forms and desires to give that same connection back.

A beloved daughter of the King and member of His Kingdom.

I seriously feel so much more at peace, with who I am, where I am, and the communities I belong to.

What are you being challenged with?

 

 

Letting go…

I am now 23 weeks pregnant and some things have changed for the better.  All of my physical ailments are still present and mostly worse – so no good change there.  I was reflecting this morning how much this pregnancy has humbled me.  My fantasy for my second pregnancy before becoming pregnant was that I would be a beacon of health, that I would be in tip top shape and sail through a second pregnancy.  However, this pregnancy has been the exact opposite.  I went into it still not healthy from my months of health issues that were happening this past year (that are still not figured out).  My first trimester consisted of constant nausea and exhaustion resulting in me sleeping the majority of my free time away.  My joint pain started extremely early at 8 weeks and has only progressed and worsened, resulting in me being unable to do much in terms of physical activity.  Simple tasks like laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping or errand running bring on types of pain I didn’t know existed.

So, this pregnancy is not what I had imagined, yet it is teaching me and pulling me in ways that I really needed.  I am learning that despite what I think I am not an island to my own.  I cannot possibly do everything by myself, I truly need a village.  I have had to ask for help and accept my limitations so much and so early on.  I have to rely on my husband to do things like take out the garbage and carry the laundry up and down the stairs.  He’s had to make and clean up meals far more than he’s used to.  I have had to ask for help from all of my physicians – suggestions on how to just live with a little bit of quality of life (and they have been excellent).  I have had to sit down with my manager numerous times and ask for modifications in my work – schedule and duties and she has done it willingly and with so much grace and understanding.  I have had to lean on God like I haven’t had to in so long (this is really good for me).  When someone is over and they ask if they can help I am eager to pass off tasks instead of decline and do it myself.  I have had to settle for “good enough” instead of “perfect” when it comes to my house cleanliness.

So no, this pregnancy is so very far from what I desired and dreamt about but it is absolutely everything I need in my life right now.  It’s so easy for me to get wrapped up in accomplishing everything alone, I’m an independent person through and through.  This year has been a full year of struggling with my health and it’s taken this pregnancy for me to let go of the guilt and disappointment of it all.  Of my health plummeting and with it my weight increasing and activity decreasing, of not being able to accomplish everything I want to each day because of pain and exhaustion, of struggling financially because I can’t work over full time like I did in 2015.  I’m letting it all go and embracing the community of people that surrounds me that desires to help me.

We all need a community to lean on and I’m so very thankful for mine.

20 weeks!


In some ways I can’t believe it has been 20 weeks, and in other ways I can’t believe it’s only been 20 weeks! If this last week is any indication it seems the last 18 weeks are not going to be a downward journey but rather I will continue to travel uphill with a new struggle each day/week.  Again in a lot of ways I’m completely 100% ok with this, and I really hope that I do get to travel 18 more weeks with this little babe in my belly.  Every day is worth it totally and completely.  In other ways I just wish some circumstances were easier for me to travel in.

The last two weeks have me facing the very real reality that I will not be able to work to 36 weeks again like I did when I was pregnant with Ezekiel.  At 20 weeks pregnant I’m finding it hard to get through small day to day tasks let alone getting through a work day (even an 8 hr work day).  I’ve been having abdominal pains that no one can figure out, and on top of that if I’m up and moving too much I feel the heaviness in my uterus and the irritability that causes it.  These things scare me to some degree considering my labor with Ezekiel was termed a “silent labor” and the only reason I was at the hospital was because I thought I was being extra cautious.  I constantly wonder what next time will bring – will it be obvious or will it happen without my knowledge again? What will the signs be? How cautious do I really have to be?

My physicians are not worried about premature labor at this point, and I am partially relieved about that and partially not relieved considering they weren’t concerned about premature labor last time either and I ended up having an intubated late term premie in the NICU.  They are encouraging me to work less and even stop working, and I started this pregnancy knowing that I was going to push back on that quite a bit.  However, I am now humbly realizing that I am the expert on my body and my body is sending me very clear signals that it’s almost time to stop.  The pain in my joints is increasing with each day, the pain in my lower abdomen as well as right side gets worse with increased activity and now my chronic back pain that was well controlled is again out of control.

Here’s the dilemma – money.

I hate that.  I hate that money has enough control to make this decision one of the most difficult.  I’ve been praying for wisdom in each decision and I’m struggling with this one.  I’ve secured some finances so that if I have to stop working suddenly we can still make ends meet – but that just puts me in more debt, something I was really hoping to have whittled down by the time this little one came.

Yet money is just money.  If I get back to a Kingdom mindset (again, trying really hard with this one), then I know that the money that passes through my hands is not mine but graciously given to me by God.  So if it’s not mine to start with and if He’s provided me with everything I need to this point it stands to reason that this small portion of my life will also be taken care of.  In the grand scheme of things this is just a small part of life, and we will get through it and it will all be ok in the end regardless of what that looks like.

I wish that made the decision easier…..

A Surprising Summer

Wow, it’s been three months since an update! Fall is upon us, the tomatoes are almost all packed away in jars, the greenhouse and gardens are (almost) cleaned out.  I’m cuddling up with tea and fires for most of my evenings yet I’ve been silent on here.

So where has the time gone and where have I been?

Well, right after my last post I found out (to my great surprise) that I was expecting a baby! With that realization quickly came the first trimester woes of feeling all around exhausted and terrible.  I had a huge aversion to anything vegetable related so gardening did not happen and my beautiful garden slowly was neglected to ugliness (however my tomato plants paid me greatly anyways!).  I spent my days, evenings and nights cuddled up with Ezekiel, I did only the necessary things to keep us clothed, fed, and alive.

Then came the second trimester with the terrible pain that makes me go to bed at 7 because I can’t be upright anymore.  I can generally be pretty productive during the day but try to space out my chores and errands with lots and lots of rest.  I’m still working but am now down to 8 hr days only shifts (compared to 12hr day/night shifts), it helps but too many in a row makes for a terrible week of pain.  Other than that I’m actually feeling OK at this point.  I’m more wary and cautious about preterm labor and trying to avoid it.  I’m doing my best to sit and rest when I can.

I have a huge list that keeps growing of things that need to get done before the new babe comes (and before I literally can’t move anymore) – deep clean the house, shampoo the carpets, organize the pantry, clean out the office, plan the big boy room and new nursery, paint the walls that have been driving me nuts for 3 years.  Most of those physical things can actually wait, I doubt I’ll get a lot of it done considering I find it hard to clean the house at this point. But there are other things that I’m starting to get some motivation to do, things that don’t require me to exert physical labor – Finish the last 3 years of photo books is top on that list.  It’s a daunting task at this point, but I have a daunting amount of time on my hands, and I can’t go to sleep at 7 every single night! Tonight I was wide awake but not able to be doing anything productive that required me to be upright and moving around – so getting back to blogging was top on my list!

Anyways, this post isn’t a big specific post about anything, just a general update but look for a full garden breakdown from Aug/Sept coming soon and maybe some pregnancy related posts as well :).

Hope you have all been well and if you planted a garden this year I hope it paid you in great food!

Ciao friends!

Reflection – A Season For Everything

IMG_8554I truly believe there is a season for everything.  In fact the Bible talks about this concept pretty specifically;

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.

What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.  So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.

And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear him. What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-15

I’m rarely an emotional person, not that I’m cold and don’t feel emotions, but I tend to react to things on a rational level rather than an emotional level.  My first reaction to things is not usually tears – whether happy or sad – it’s usually a rational conversation with myself about the implications of whatever the situation may be.  Part of not being overly emotional is the lack of questioning “why”.  I tend not to ask, and really don’t care why something is happening.  I know that the question of why can be incredibly debilitating for some people.  People feel like if they know the reason for a situation that they will be able to cope better.  I’ve always been the person who accepts the fact that whatever God does is final.  Let me be clear that this does not translate as me having incredible faith – there are so many times in my life that I can point out where my faith was lacking on so many levels.  A good example of that is my faith that God will heal – I’ve seen it happen several times and I know it’s possible but I struggle to have faith to say that God is going to heal me or anyone I know.

Getting back to “there’s a season for everything” –

I feel as though I’m moving into a season of reflection – for lack of a better description.  Working in both pediatric and adult oncology I am inundated with life and death on a daily basis.  There are victories and there are losses – it’s the nature of cancer, and I’ve been ok with it.  There are days that are much harder than others, but there is so much joy in my work as well.  Often people look at me with pity in their eyes when I explain what I do for a living – as if to say “oh poor you having to deal with that everyday.” Let me be straightforward here and say, I am not the one fighting the cancer, I am not the family walking through this journey, but I am blessed to be able to walk alongside so many people during one of the most difficult times in their life.

I am not cursed with this – I am blessed with this.

I’ve generally been able to go about my work day without a lot of spiritual reflection – whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing – I’m not sure.  This week however, I have been far more reflective.  God has been whispering quietly, urging me to stop and reflect.  I’m not sure where this season in life will take me but I’m thankful for a reminder to slow things down to take time for reflection.  He is the reason I am here doing what I’m doing and I’ve not given him much of that credit lately, nor have I invited Him to be part of the process.  I suppose it’s time to change that.

What are you being challenged in lately? How is God speaking to you?