Overtired Ramblings

A day of feeling severely unwell followed by two night shifts and very little sleep has me so exhausted and in a state of constant reflection.  What better way to process overtired thoughts than to type them up and share them with the world right?

If you know me, or follow me on Instagram you’ll know that I’m fairly addicted to that little social media app.  Apart from Pinterest (is that social media?) I don’t have any other social media accounts, Instagram is my one and only and I’m far too attached to it then is healthy – but everyone’s gotta have their guilty pleasure…. am I right? Anyways – if you’re in the know about what’s going on in the Instagram world you’ll know that they are bringing in an algorithm to change the way you see posts.  It will no longer be chronological but based on what Instagram deems most appropriate for you to see.

Bummer.

The fact that I have been mulling over this since I learned the news gives me flashing red warning signs.  I am far too emotionally attached to something so minute and so virtual.  So instead of being upset about it I’m just accepting it as an opportunity to put that one little word I chose at the beginning of this year into action – INTENTIONAL.  I took some time this afternoon to go through my list of people I follow, narrowing it down to accounts that are people I know and love, to local small businesses, and accounts that have tangibly taught me things throughout my time following them and who I feel have really invested into me.  In the end I was able to shave down my list to 3/4 of what it was.

Less time scrolling, more time investing, paying attention, making memories and being intentional with my life.

It’s actually EXACTLY what I need right now.  So after all that emotional investment into the change I’m really thankful for it.

Speaking of being intentional, it seems like a good time to do a quick check in on how the year is shaping up.

If you’ve been reading my posts recently you’ll know that I’ve been dealing with some health issues.  I wish I could say that I have answers, or that things are looking up and getting better.  Neither of those things are true, and I’m quickly going from my optimistic upbeat self (it’s fine, it’ll all work out, it’ll get better) to a state of frustration.  I’ve actually forgotten what it’s like to eat for enjoyment, right now I’m eating purely out of necessity.  In a way it’s really helpful for my nursing practice – I now know exactly what my patients are talking about when they explain nausea, lack of appetite and struggling with eating.  I crave nothing and want to eat nothing so preparing food for myself or my family to eat is getting more and more difficult.  I suppose it’s a really good thing that I’ve spent the past two years focusing so heavily on diet and nutrition, I know exactly what I should be eating and so I’m doing my best to continue to fuel my body with food that will feed it best.  It’s actually not hard to do since “treats” only mentally tempt me because my brain still remembers that at one time I really enjoyed them, but recently each time I try and eat a treat I’m left with so much disappointment (and nausea) and so the treats are getting few and far between.  I am also doing my best to make sure that I am eating enough calories – I’d love to lose a few pounds but right now is just not the time to do that.  Enough with with debbie downer talk – here’s the good news: my family physician is AMAZING and disregards my downplaying (I have no idea why I have such a hard time being my own advocate when I spend my days being such a strong advocate for my patients – it’s a real problem).  He listens to my symptoms and even though each test has come back with results that provide no answers he’s committed to finding the answers.  He has a specialist visiting his office and doing consults on some of his patients, he made sure that I was guaranteed an appointment and I’m optimistic that some answers will be found soon.

Anyways, back to the point – all these health issues that are getting worse instead of better have made being intentional so very difficult.  I haven’t made 10,000 steps in weeks, I haven’t done yoga in even longer.  I have had to put the MCAT on hold because I literally cannot muster up enough energy to open a book.  My husband and I have done a date night each month which is a WIN and it has been so rewarding we both love and look forward to those nights.   I try so hard to be intentional with Ezekiel but often on my days off I’m feeling my worst just trying to recover from the days working so this has been a struggle.  I’m so thankful for a carefree, easy going, loving, adoring and amazing toddler – we were created for each other and God’s graces in our relationship are so evident.  I’m not worried about this but I am really looking forward to feeling well enough to be far more deliberate with our time together.

I guess in the end the moral of the story is that life is never static is it?

It’s moving, flowing, like a river through the mountains.  Obstacles get in the way but it never stops the movement of life does it? We do our best to adjust, go around the obstacles and find another path.  My path is not what I would have chosen or dreamed of but I know that it’s exactly what it’s supposed to be and I’m trusting that once I get through the current obstacles I’ll have a moment of smooth flowing.  Today in my over-emotional, overtired state of mind I’m holding on to that hope and I’m praying that you can too – no matter what you’re current obstacles are.

 

Reflections and Hopes

Hello again!

It’s been a long two months of absence and I’m not about to make any empty promises of a regular return.  In truth I haven’t even thought a lot about this little space in the past two months.  Life has been stressful, more professionally than personally but it’s taken a huge toll on me.  I’m ending 2015 feeling very abnormal, very not myself and frankly it’s been a bit scary to realize how unlike myself I have become.  Physically I’m run down, I have symptoms that are vague but scare me.  Mentally I’m nowhere near where I’d like to be, I find it hard to be upbeat and cheery and some days although I don’t feel depressed I wonder if this is how depression can sneak up on people.  Spiritually I’m almost completely absent, I just don’t have the energy to invest.

Once again I find myself in a precarious employment situation, and once again I’m trusting that the Lord knows – always – and something will inevitably work itself out.  It always does.  Yet, it’s still stressful – funny how our hearts speak the truth but our minds continue to wander to the lies.

I’m smack dab in the middle of a 4 night run of night shifts and instead of sleep on my break my mind was racing and I thought what better time to try and get out in words the storm of thoughts that have been accumulating.  December does this to me, as much as I love Christmas (gift giving is my favourite) I also love the end of the year and beginning of a new one.  Time for reflection and clean slates.

In 2015 I dubbed my “One Little Word” to be THRIVE and in some ways I feel like I achieved that but in more ways it was a complete and utter failure.  I’m ok with that though, I’ve learned more and more that extending grace to ourselves in our weaknesses is far better than expecting perfection.  I feel like I thrived professionally, I owned my responsibilities and I did the very best that I could.  I tried hard to go above and beyond expectations, I learned SO MUCH and grew immensely as a nurse.  As a Momma I also feel like I thrived – not without stumbles of course, but overall I feel like that was one part of me that survived and did well.  In taking care of myself I fell flat on my face.  There was no balance in that regard – the way I fed my body was not all terrible but wasn’t even close to how I want eat.  I barely moved my body at all this year and I continued to be on a downward spiral in terms of how I feel overall.  If 2014 was the best year for my body 2015 was almost opposite – only because I now know what it feels like to feel WELL.  As a wife I struggled so much.  My husband is one of the most amazing people I know but I really struggled with having enough energy to invest in US.  Don’t get me wrong – we aren’t struggling in the slightest as a couple, but we will before too long unless I step it up.

Although 2015 brought so much joy, happiness and fulfilment I’m not sad to see it go.  I’m ready for a new word and a clean slate.

My “One Little Word” for 2016:

INTENTIONAL

So many areas of my life deserve and need some intentionality:

  1. Marriage – I’m determined to be present in this partnership, to push past the exhaustion and go the extra mile.  I don’t think it has to be big and extravagant but it has to be intentional.  Instead of going to bed early because I’m too tired to even think about having a conversation, I’ll stay up that extra 30 minutes to simply ask “how was your day?”.  Once a month I’ll set aside a budget for date night and make sure that it happens.
  2. Myself – I deserve some intentionality, I deserve some focus.  I can’t even recall how many times I’ve been sick this year, how many times my body has been so exhausted or how many times it’s been in insane amounts of pain.  Some of this is out of my control but I would be amiss not to admit that a lot of it is completely within my control.  In 2016 I will again be going gluten free and I will again be moving my body more those are the 2 absolute promises I’m making myself and I hope that the domino effect occurs and that one by one bad habits will dissipate as new good habits form. Instead of crawling into bed at 730 or 8 I’ll make sure that I’m staying to do the things that bring me life – creating!  I’m also going to be starting on a lifelong dream of mine – I’m not ready to write about it yet but it’s already in the works and I’m excited to start!
  3. Friendships – This is the area of my life that 100% fell to the wayside this past year.  I can probably count on my hands how many times I met up with friends this year.  It’s terrible and one of my biggest regrets.  Thankfully I have friends full of grace and love and I’m learning to have grace with myself as well.  This year of learning how to be a full time working momma and how to teach my heart not to rip in two every minute I’m away from Ezekiel has taken a toll on my friendships.  Ezekiel is a bit older now and although my love has only intensified for him, I’m learning to let go just a little bit more.  Where I wouldn’t leave him home to meet up with friends, I know now that if that’s the only way I’m going to be able to invest once again, then that’s just what I’ll have to do.
  4. Motherhood – This is probably the area in my life that I was the most intentional and the area that is the easiest to be intentional with.  Yet there is always room for improvement!  I plan on doing a lot more one on one play and reading with Ezekiel this year, far more exploring and adventuring.  Instead of spending 30 extra minutes in the kitchen I’ll spend it on the floor diving into the imagination of a 2 year old.

Well, there you have it – the reflections of what was and hopes for what is.  2016 is bound to be another year of immeasurable growth but I’m more than ready!