Overtired Ramblings

A day of feeling severely unwell followed by two night shifts and very little sleep has me so exhausted and in a state of constant reflection.  What better way to process overtired thoughts than to type them up and share them with the world right?

If you know me, or follow me on Instagram you’ll know that I’m fairly addicted to that little social media app.  Apart from Pinterest (is that social media?) I don’t have any other social media accounts, Instagram is my one and only and I’m far too attached to it then is healthy – but everyone’s gotta have their guilty pleasure…. am I right? Anyways – if you’re in the know about what’s going on in the Instagram world you’ll know that they are bringing in an algorithm to change the way you see posts.  It will no longer be chronological but based on what Instagram deems most appropriate for you to see.

Bummer.

The fact that I have been mulling over this since I learned the news gives me flashing red warning signs.  I am far too emotionally attached to something so minute and so virtual.  So instead of being upset about it I’m just accepting it as an opportunity to put that one little word I chose at the beginning of this year into action – INTENTIONAL.  I took some time this afternoon to go through my list of people I follow, narrowing it down to accounts that are people I know and love, to local small businesses, and accounts that have tangibly taught me things throughout my time following them and who I feel have really invested into me.  In the end I was able to shave down my list to 3/4 of what it was.

Less time scrolling, more time investing, paying attention, making memories and being intentional with my life.

It’s actually EXACTLY what I need right now.  So after all that emotional investment into the change I’m really thankful for it.

Speaking of being intentional, it seems like a good time to do a quick check in on how the year is shaping up.

If you’ve been reading my posts recently you’ll know that I’ve been dealing with some health issues.  I wish I could say that I have answers, or that things are looking up and getting better.  Neither of those things are true, and I’m quickly going from my optimistic upbeat self (it’s fine, it’ll all work out, it’ll get better) to a state of frustration.  I’ve actually forgotten what it’s like to eat for enjoyment, right now I’m eating purely out of necessity.  In a way it’s really helpful for my nursing practice – I now know exactly what my patients are talking about when they explain nausea, lack of appetite and struggling with eating.  I crave nothing and want to eat nothing so preparing food for myself or my family to eat is getting more and more difficult.  I suppose it’s a really good thing that I’ve spent the past two years focusing so heavily on diet and nutrition, I know exactly what I should be eating and so I’m doing my best to continue to fuel my body with food that will feed it best.  It’s actually not hard to do since “treats” only mentally tempt me because my brain still remembers that at one time I really enjoyed them, but recently each time I try and eat a treat I’m left with so much disappointment (and nausea) and so the treats are getting few and far between.  I am also doing my best to make sure that I am eating enough calories – I’d love to lose a few pounds but right now is just not the time to do that.  Enough with with debbie downer talk – here’s the good news: my family physician is AMAZING and disregards my downplaying (I have no idea why I have such a hard time being my own advocate when I spend my days being such a strong advocate for my patients – it’s a real problem).  He listens to my symptoms and even though each test has come back with results that provide no answers he’s committed to finding the answers.  He has a specialist visiting his office and doing consults on some of his patients, he made sure that I was guaranteed an appointment and I’m optimistic that some answers will be found soon.

Anyways, back to the point – all these health issues that are getting worse instead of better have made being intentional so very difficult.  I haven’t made 10,000 steps in weeks, I haven’t done yoga in even longer.  I have had to put the MCAT on hold because I literally cannot muster up enough energy to open a book.  My husband and I have done a date night each month which is a WIN and it has been so rewarding we both love and look forward to those nights.   I try so hard to be intentional with Ezekiel but often on my days off I’m feeling my worst just trying to recover from the days working so this has been a struggle.  I’m so thankful for a carefree, easy going, loving, adoring and amazing toddler – we were created for each other and God’s graces in our relationship are so evident.  I’m not worried about this but I am really looking forward to feeling well enough to be far more deliberate with our time together.

I guess in the end the moral of the story is that life is never static is it?

It’s moving, flowing, like a river through the mountains.  Obstacles get in the way but it never stops the movement of life does it? We do our best to adjust, go around the obstacles and find another path.  My path is not what I would have chosen or dreamed of but I know that it’s exactly what it’s supposed to be and I’m trusting that once I get through the current obstacles I’ll have a moment of smooth flowing.  Today in my over-emotional, overtired state of mind I’m holding on to that hope and I’m praying that you can too – no matter what you’re current obstacles are.

 

God is here, He cares and He’s in control


The past couple weeks I’ve had so much more time off than I am used to.  Last year for most of the year I would regularly have one day off sometimes 2 and if I was really lucky I might be able to take a long weekend off.  Now with the change in my job situation I have 3-4 days off at a time and it is glorious! I’m still a bit stressed about a lack of shifts at work but I’m counteracting that stress with being very intentional with my spending and time.

For groceries I try and make our meal plans for the week out of what we already have here.  It takes the question from “what do I want to make for supper?” to “what do we have in the house that I can make for supper?” It’s really amazing what you can make – whole nutritious meals – with what you already have on hand.  It does require a small amount of creativity and improvisation sometimes but 90% of the time it works just fine.  Over the last year I’ve transitioned most of our foods to organic when possible which means that it is more expensive to buy.  Admittedly we spend quite a bit of our budget on food but when I’ve thought about this recently I can’t imagine not buying the quality we buy just to save money.  So that means I just need to make some sacrifices else where – no more buying daily coffees (it really helps that I bought myself a Chemex last year), I think twice even three times before buying ANYTHING (do I need it? Do I really need it? Will I use it this week? – if not then I don’t REALLY need it).

Along with being careful about our food budget I’m finding on my days off that I’m just not going out all the time.  On my days off before I would be out and about, usually spending money somewhere.  The past couple weeks I’ve only wanted to stay home, I can’t even think of something I’d like to do instead.  I was thinking about this this morning because when I talk to new moms I always say – “make sure you get out everyday, even just for a walk.  It’ll be so good for your mental health.” I wondered where I was mentally because I have no desire to leave the house – it’s usually a red flag for me.  I did a quick self evaluation of my own mental health compared to a few weeks ago just before writing this post and the difference really is night and day.  Mentally I’m in such a better place, instead of needing to go, go, go and do, do, do I’m content to just BE.  I think mentally and physically I’ve just been subconsciously using this time off to recover from the past year of insaneness.  I’ve been soaking in every second I can with Ezekiel and usually just staring in wonder at the creation he is, thankful for each moment spent with him.  Oh I still have so much to do even at home and slowly I’m tackling those projects (2 years of filing oy!) but I am just so content.

Sometimes we need to be forced out of what we think is the best situation for ourselves in order to see how destructive it really was, or maybe it’s not completely destructive but there’s something so much better out there.  I’m so thankful for the past year – even though there were so many difficulties.  In the day to day moments I really enjoyed what I was doing and most importantly I was able to provide for my family.  I expanded my knowledge and experience as well as learned new things about myself (clinic nursing is not my favourite, I still want to pursue my dreams etc.).  It’s hard to see the 360 degree view when we have our blinders on to get through the days.

There’s a theme in my life (and in yours) that I keep seeing time and time again.

God is here, He cares, and He’s in control.