Who I am…


On July 13 I made a decision to take a social media break – at the time I only had Instagram.  It seemed like a decision made abruptly to those around me, but in truth it was a decision I had been contemplating for weeks if not months.  I didn’t plan to delete my Instagram app on July 13 but I had come to a place physically, mentally, and spiritually that I had had enough.  Enough of what? I actually wasn’t sure and for the past two months I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I knew that I felt God pulling me towards this break, to take time to focus my energies elsewhere (more on Him perhaps?).  So early in the morning in the midst of scrolling Instagram I exited out of the app and deleted it in the same breath.  Right after doing it I was in a bit of disbelief – did I really just do that?! Then the next thought – now what?

Well the summer went on, I did more soul searching, praying, reading, listening and honestly I felt no answers.  The first week and a bit I really missed it but after that life just went on and I barely thought about it.  Every so often I’d do a quick soul check and pray about getting it back but I never felt released to do so and I was perfectly OK with that.

Then a few weeks ago I decided to get Facebook back – if you know me you know this was a huge decision for me.  I’ve made my strong dislike for Facebook known, but it’s time to start getting rid of some baby gear and clothes and so I decided to get Facebook purely for the buy and sell groups and Varagesale.  I didn’t add any friends but several people found me, and slowly my friends list grew.  Then I joined a few Young Living groups and began to love them! Last night after a lot of debate and deliberation with myself I decided I would add all the people I knew that popped up on my suggested friends list.  I had this sudden urge to connect.  Similarly, today I re-downloaded Instagram and felt such a peace about it. Up until today I hadn’t fully known why I felt so strongly about deleting Instagram and although I had tried a few times to write about it and sort through my thoughts I never felt released to do that either.

Today though I finally feel like I have some clarity, and I feel released to write again.

At the time I didn’t realize how I was feeling – isolated, lonely, lost, trapped, no energy, lack of motivation.  I’m reluctant to say I was depressed – maybe it’s pride but truly I don’t feel as though I was truly depressed, I just lacked insight and that was bothering me and manifesting in depressive symptoms.  When I deleted the app I felt as though I had very little community that was true and real and I didn’t want to replace true community with false community.  Here’s where it gets good – today I had this amazing realization that ALL community is REAL community.  Online or in physical form – community is community, people are people.

I spent the last two months bouncing between trying to grasp physical community in full force – planning something several days of the week and being utterly exhausted from overbooking us and dealing with a baby that needed to catch up on sleep.  So one week I was a social butterfly, the next week I was a hermit.  Today I realized that I just needed to accept the place in life that I am and stop pitying myself and wishing I was in a different place. It took me deleting Instagram for me to be able to do that.  Now that I have it’s time to embrace all of who I am:

A mom of two – one being a baby that needs ample amounts of sleep.

A self proclaimed homebody.

A woman recovering from the most exhausting and taxing 2 years of life physically, mentally and emotionally.

A wife needing to connect and stay connected to her husband in a new season of life.

A friend who desires connection in all forms and desires to give that same connection back.

A beloved daughter of the King and member of His Kingdom.

I seriously feel so much more at peace, with who I am, where I am, and the communities I belong to.

What are you being challenged with?




If you are a woman who has had children, or anyone who has known a woman while she was carrying a child then you most likely know that the task is not an easy one.  It’s not all fun bump pics and planning nurseries.  It’s exhausted days, sickness for weeks (or months), growing out of clothing, adjusting to lots of new weight and a new centre of gravity, it’s painful kicks to ribs and cervixes, running to empty your measly bladder every 10 minutes, it’s new sensations and worries about each one – and the list goes on.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s also joy, expectations, dreams, anticipation and feelings of love like you’ve never had before (spoiler alert that love intensifies with every single day).

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a co-worker about my pregnancy.  She was wondering how I was feeling, I gave my usual response of a shrug and “not to bad actually” and then I said, “I actually don’t mind being pregnant at all.”  See, being pregnant with Marfan Syndrome poses some risks that aren’t always present in a healthy woman’s pregnancy and it also means that my joints have a much harder time adjusting to the extra hormones and weight that my body accumulates.  Most people think I’m crazy when I say I don’t mind being pregnant because they see me waddle around like I’m 40 weeks pregnant but the waddle starts around week 10-12 because my hips and my pelvis begin to become painful.  Usually the pain increases every 2-3 weeks and I mentally take about 5-7 days to adjust to the increase and then life is fine again.

Yesterday, however, I came home after work with pain that was normal and by the time I got into bed at 6:45pm I could barely lift my legs into the bed.  My pain had not only intensified this time but I began to have new pains that I had never experienced before.  I tried and tried and tried to get comfortable and finally fell into a very fitful uncomfortable sleep.  I woke up at 1:30 right on schedule with my bladder, and I couldn’t fall back asleep again but instead of it being simple pregnancy insomnia it was because I was still in so much pain.  Then I let the pain do something to me that I never let it do, I let it get to me mentally.  So I lay in bed last night going through all the what ifs in my life right now.

  • What if I can’t adjust to this pain this time?
  • What if the pain continues to get so bad I literally can’t walk?
  • What if I really do have to stop working early?
  • What if my last echo (on Nov 1) shows really bad news?
  • What if I have to have open heart surgery while pregnant or worse while I have a NICU baby?
  • What if I can’t carry this baby to full term?
  • What if we can’t pay our bills?
  • What if……

Honestly, it was ridiculous! Yes those are all risks of my pregnancy but as of right now they aren’t imminent risks (aside from the pain) and they aren’t risks I ever overly stress about.  As I lay in bed worrying about my ability to overcome my pain I let my mind get the best of me and finally I had to just yell at myself to STOP being so ridiculous.

I made myself remember the truth that I know:

  • This baby was conceived and given life for a reason beyond my ability to understand.

If I truly believe that (which I do) then I have to believe that every struggle along the road of bringing this babe Earth-side is not only worth it but also possible.  I also have to believe that life will work itself out, every detail will fall into place and every “what if” will fall to the wayside.  It might not be how I would like it to happen, and it might come with even more struggles but it WILL work out.

I wrote this all out, not just for my own processing, but also as a reminder to whoever reads it that life works itself out.  Whatever struggle you are dealing with – surrender to the process and remember that the end will come eventually, it’ll be hard and strenuous but it will be worth it.

Dreaming of Coffee


I’m so excited right now.

For a long time I’ve dreamed (side note: I always feel like “dreamed” is an awkward word and try to use “dreamt” which isn’t a word, am I alone in this?!?) about having a separate space in our kitchen for a “coffee bar.”  I want all things coffee and tea to be off of my counter in it’s own cute little space.  Lately, it’s all I’ve been thinking about. I’ve literally been fixated on this idea.  I have it mostly planned out in my head and I’ve been on the hunt for good deals. The first step was finding a suitable piece of furniture to actually inhabit the coffee bar.

I’ve been checking Kijiji incessantly, several times a day – usually once every couple hours and of course in the middle of the night while I’m feeding Ezekiel.  My vision involves a french provincial buffet that I will refurbish myself in a shabby chic distressed white.  My budget is $75.  Do you know how hard it is to find an antique piece of furniture for $75? Nearly impossible! Most of what comes up is pieces of furniture that have already been refurbished – it’s a trend right now.  Everyone and their dog is searching for antiques to refurbish and sell.  The best I could find was an already refurbished buffet for $250-$500, definitely not in the budget!


A few days ago I found the perfect piece.  It’s not French Provincial but is antique, and has the long legs with no shelving on the bottom.  The best part? It comes with a large mirror, 2 chairs and a china cabinet that all match, for a measly $125!!

Are you jumping up and down in excitement for me?

Because I actually want to stop writing and jump up and down in excitement.

$50 over budget, but with 4 extra antique items, there was no way I could turn it down.

Also I just have to say I have the best friends ever, who also search Kijiji for me and then offer to pick up the items for me.



So to celebrate I’ve been on Pinterest finding inspirational photos.  It’ll be a while before it all comes together, but I thought I’d share some of my inspiration with you.

A Beautiful Mess - DIY PEG shelf

This Peg Shelf from A Beautiful Mess is a must! I’m thinking two shelves, the bottom pegged for cups.  The best part is it’s simple to build and budget friendly! But lets be honest, I’ll only start the building project before my husband gets nervous that I’ll cut off my hand and then finishes it for me.

Junk Chic Cottage - Coffee Bar

I almost died when I saw this.  This is coffee bar perfection! The white, the buffet, the shelves, the chalkboard.  I can’t handle it. You guys need to go check out Junk Chic Cottage for the full tour of this bar, it’s so great.

Natalie Creates Coffee Bar

Finally, this cute little space from Natalie Creates! I love that this space was created for under $150.  I love the decor on the shelves and that everything doesn’t perfectly match, but goes perfectly together! I actually already purchased two prints to be placed on our coffee bar shelves and I cannot wait to get them up!

As always I’ll be doing this slow and steady as our budget allows a few extra dollars here and there to finish the space but with the main item purchased I’m finding myself eager to get at it!  It’s not like I needed anything more on my to do list and I’m not going to pressure myself into getting this space finished in the next couple months, but I do want to get the buffet refurbished while the weather is still nice.  I figure two days of nap times should do it and I already have paint that was left in the house when we bought it, so all I have to purchase is some sandpaper!

I’ll keep you posted on the progress of my dream coffee bar.