We recently learned that our oldest – Ezekiel – would need glasses. It’s taken me some time to process this, and I’m surprised at my internal response to this need. At first it didn’t phase me, and quite honestly it didn’t surprise me at all, not because I thought he was having trouble seeing (I didn’t pick up on any signs) but because I’ve been wearing glasses since I was 2. Yet the closer we came to actually ordering and picking up the glasses the more conflicted I became.
Glasses are now going to be a permanent accessory for Ezekiel. From now until he dies he will need to wear glasses. This is huge, and maybe I think it’s huge because I absolutely hate wearing glasses, I hate that I have to wear glasses to see, I hate picking out glasses and I don’t enjoy them as an accessory. To clarify, I love being able to see and I am grateful for such a tool that allows me to see clearly and I’m grateful for healthy eyes but I still hate glasses. I hate even more that my son is having to wear glasses at such a young age. I’ve been processing this for a while and asking myself why I hate it so much. I mean, it’s really not a big deal at all and I shouldn’t be making it one but I just couldn’t shake the disappointed feeling. People’s first response when I tell them that Ezekiel needs glasses is: there are some really cute kids glasses, he’ll be so cute!
Yes, he’s cute in general and glasses do add another level of cuteness (he could seriously be a glasses model) but it wasn’t just the physical appearance that I’ve been processing and I was trying to put my finger on why.
Yesterday I think I came to understand why.
We all know that when you have children you pass on certain traits. When talking about evolution, passing on traits is the reason plants and animals procreate. The thing is, we really only want to pass on the good traits especially when it comes to physical traits. We also all know that we can never just pass on the good traits, we pass on so many more things. Now, I’m not a genetics expert, in fact I know very very little about genetics (I really should know more) but I do know a few things:
- When a child is conceived they receive 23 chromosomes from you and 23 from your partner/co-creator.
- In most cases nothing goes wrong with that.
- In other cases there’s a chromosome missing or an extra chromosome that sneaks in.
- In still other cases you or your partner (or both) pass on some form of mutation in any of those chromosomes.
- In still other cases a mutation just “magically” appears.
I know many stories of all of these situations and I am one such story. I have a genetic condition that is the result of a “magical” mutation. I have Marfan Syndrome which is an autosomal dominant condition meaning you only need one copy of the defected gene to have the disorder. The way you receive that copy is from one of your parents – unless it’s not (like me). My mutation just happened with absolutely no family history but I have a 50% chance of passing it on to my children. I’ve never cared about passing on my gene in theory. When conceiving and carrying my children and even now I have the option to have them tested for this mutation. I’ve always chosen not to because at this point it changes nothing. Having said that I am in constant wonder and always looking for signs that they did receive that mutated copy of my gene. So far, other than having a bit fairer skin then the typical mixed race child they really have very little physical traits that associate them as my children and I’ve always taken that as a sign (and hoped it was a sign) that I didn’t not pass on my mutated gene.
Now I question it.
Now I wonder.
Now I’m on full alert.
It’s unknown if astigmatism is genetic but it is known that the chance of astigmatism is higher in a person with Marfan Syndrome. Of course astigmatism is also prevalent in the general population so it’s not a good sign of Marfan Syndrome but for me it places a check mark on that mental list I have going of physical traits of Marfan Syndrome. Up until now that list has been blank. Now I find myself wondering and running through the possibility and coming up with imaginary scenarios.
So yes, glasses is not a big deal in reality but to me it means just a little bit more.
Thankfully though, Ezekiel can see much better and in the end that’s what really matters here.