Live in the Grey

Hi friends! I want to tell you a story, it’s long and it’s mostly because I need to do a little more processing but here it is.

Yesterday I stumbled upon an Instagram post of someone expressing their disgust with the recent news of New York’s change of law on late term abortions. Initially I skimmed and internally nodded my head in agreement because I generally don’t believe in abortion (this isn’t a post for or against abortion stay with me). Then against my better judgement I opened the comments and started reading. When I did that I drug myself into an entirely different world. A world that seems to be full of black and white views, hate, and lack of empathy just to name a few (on both sides of the topic). I was immediately thrown into the grey of the subject, the extraordinary circumstances, the what if’s, and the buts because I used to be a very black and white person but along the way I developed a realization that love lives in the grey. The grey is very uncomfortable though. The grey says I don’t really believe what you are doing is right and it might go against every single core value I possess but I understand why you did that(said that, believe that etc). Don’t get me wrong, there are still many many topics and situations where this is so so hard and seemingly impossible for me to do, but I do think that if we can throw ourselves into the grey areas of life we will find that love lives there. Also, hear me when I say this: Living in the grey does not mean you don’t take a stand for what you are convicted of, it only means putting away your need to fix something or argue someone to your side and instead saying “I love you anyways.” Jesus definitely had black and white views but also definitely lived with people in the very messy middle grey area and that’s the kind of person I want to be.

Now here’s the other part of the story:

Last night I was fortunate to get a girls night out for a really good friends birthday. We were discussing TV and I mentioned how my sensitivity to news and the terrible things happening in the world has grown to the point that I find it difficult to even read a news article. I mentioned that I didn’t feel like I NEEDED to know everything happening in the world. My friend responded by saying she had felt the same but is now becoming aware that maybe she should know so that as a Christian she can join in a solution (this is highly paraphrased). Enter the abortion post, I used the example of that abortion post because of the initial way it had made me feel – anxious and upset. Then we had a long discussion about it, the ins and outs. I took the devils advocate side I think because of my knee jerk reaction to the hate I had been reading in the post. It was a very civil, respectful discussion but I could not get it out of my head. I’ve been thinking about it ever since and more than anything I’ve been thinking about how as humans we need community. We need community to help us hash out these hard parts of life, to help us process our own internal battles. Without that discussion last night I would have let myself dwell in the toxic feelings of others. I would have become upset and then put it out of my mind without properly processing how I actually felt about it. It is because I felt I had a safe space to verbally dump my brain even though most of what I was saying wasn’t actually how I truly felt that I could then have a clearer mind to think about and wade myself through the messy middle. Community is so so necessary and it’s something I’ve been missing for a really long time (for many reasons but myself being the biggest obstacle). Yesterday was vital for me to realize that as amazing and incredible the online community I have is, I still need a real life, face to face community and I think we all do.

Moral of the story?

Love people in the messy middle and get yourself into a safe amazing community of people.

❤️

Who I am…

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On July 13 I made a decision to take a social media break – at the time I only had Instagram.  It seemed like a decision made abruptly to those around me, but in truth it was a decision I had been contemplating for weeks if not months.  I didn’t plan to delete my Instagram app on July 13 but I had come to a place physically, mentally, and spiritually that I had had enough.  Enough of what? I actually wasn’t sure and for the past two months I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I knew that I felt God pulling me towards this break, to take time to focus my energies elsewhere (more on Him perhaps?).  So early in the morning in the midst of scrolling Instagram I exited out of the app and deleted it in the same breath.  Right after doing it I was in a bit of disbelief – did I really just do that?! Then the next thought – now what?

Well the summer went on, I did more soul searching, praying, reading, listening and honestly I felt no answers.  The first week and a bit I really missed it but after that life just went on and I barely thought about it.  Every so often I’d do a quick soul check and pray about getting it back but I never felt released to do so and I was perfectly OK with that.

Then a few weeks ago I decided to get Facebook back – if you know me you know this was a huge decision for me.  I’ve made my strong dislike for Facebook known, but it’s time to start getting rid of some baby gear and clothes and so I decided to get Facebook purely for the buy and sell groups and Varagesale.  I didn’t add any friends but several people found me, and slowly my friends list grew.  Then I joined a few Young Living groups and began to love them! Last night after a lot of debate and deliberation with myself I decided I would add all the people I knew that popped up on my suggested friends list.  I had this sudden urge to connect.  Similarly, today I re-downloaded Instagram and felt such a peace about it. Up until today I hadn’t fully known why I felt so strongly about deleting Instagram and although I had tried a few times to write about it and sort through my thoughts I never felt released to do that either.

Today though I finally feel like I have some clarity, and I feel released to write again.

At the time I didn’t realize how I was feeling – isolated, lonely, lost, trapped, no energy, lack of motivation.  I’m reluctant to say I was depressed – maybe it’s pride but truly I don’t feel as though I was truly depressed, I just lacked insight and that was bothering me and manifesting in depressive symptoms.  When I deleted the app I felt as though I had very little community that was true and real and I didn’t want to replace true community with false community.  Here’s where it gets good – today I had this amazing realization that ALL community is REAL community.  Online or in physical form – community is community, people are people.

I spent the last two months bouncing between trying to grasp physical community in full force – planning something several days of the week and being utterly exhausted from overbooking us and dealing with a baby that needed to catch up on sleep.  So one week I was a social butterfly, the next week I was a hermit.  Today I realized that I just needed to accept the place in life that I am and stop pitying myself and wishing I was in a different place. It took me deleting Instagram for me to be able to do that.  Now that I have it’s time to embrace all of who I am:

A mom of two – one being a baby that needs ample amounts of sleep.

A self proclaimed homebody.

A woman recovering from the most exhausting and taxing 2 years of life physically, mentally and emotionally.

A wife needing to connect and stay connected to her husband in a new season of life.

A friend who desires connection in all forms and desires to give that same connection back.

A beloved daughter of the King and member of His Kingdom.

I seriously feel so much more at peace, with who I am, where I am, and the communities I belong to.

What are you being challenged with?

 

 

Letting go…

I am now 23 weeks pregnant and some things have changed for the better.  All of my physical ailments are still present and mostly worse – so no good change there.  I was reflecting this morning how much this pregnancy has humbled me.  My fantasy for my second pregnancy before becoming pregnant was that I would be a beacon of health, that I would be in tip top shape and sail through a second pregnancy.  However, this pregnancy has been the exact opposite.  I went into it still not healthy from my months of health issues that were happening this past year (that are still not figured out).  My first trimester consisted of constant nausea and exhaustion resulting in me sleeping the majority of my free time away.  My joint pain started extremely early at 8 weeks and has only progressed and worsened, resulting in me being unable to do much in terms of physical activity.  Simple tasks like laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping or errand running bring on types of pain I didn’t know existed.

So, this pregnancy is not what I had imagined, yet it is teaching me and pulling me in ways that I really needed.  I am learning that despite what I think I am not an island to my own.  I cannot possibly do everything by myself, I truly need a village.  I have had to ask for help and accept my limitations so much and so early on.  I have to rely on my husband to do things like take out the garbage and carry the laundry up and down the stairs.  He’s had to make and clean up meals far more than he’s used to.  I have had to ask for help from all of my physicians – suggestions on how to just live with a little bit of quality of life (and they have been excellent).  I have had to sit down with my manager numerous times and ask for modifications in my work – schedule and duties and she has done it willingly and with so much grace and understanding.  I have had to lean on God like I haven’t had to in so long (this is really good for me).  When someone is over and they ask if they can help I am eager to pass off tasks instead of decline and do it myself.  I have had to settle for “good enough” instead of “perfect” when it comes to my house cleanliness.

So no, this pregnancy is so very far from what I desired and dreamt about but it is absolutely everything I need in my life right now.  It’s so easy for me to get wrapped up in accomplishing everything alone, I’m an independent person through and through.  This year has been a full year of struggling with my health and it’s taken this pregnancy for me to let go of the guilt and disappointment of it all.  Of my health plummeting and with it my weight increasing and activity decreasing, of not being able to accomplish everything I want to each day because of pain and exhaustion, of struggling financially because I can’t work over full time like I did in 2015.  I’m letting it all go and embracing the community of people that surrounds me that desires to help me.

We all need a community to lean on and I’m so very thankful for mine.