Well it’s been a minute or two since I’ve been here. I only wrote 7 blog posts in 2018 and truthfully I wanted so badly to write more but my capacity to do so was just not there. I needed to step away from constant evaluation, my brain was (is) in such a fog that processing life was incredibly difficult. I couldn’t make sense of my current life, my day in and day out. I lived in a dichotomy of hating not being able to work but also feeling very blessed to be with my babies day in and day out.
The pain I now live with is unlike anything I’ve experienced. Not too long ago I was claiming that I could deal with chronic pain, that it didn’t change my life or what I was able to do and accomplish. I’ve had pain as long as I can remember and it was true that it didn’t greatly impact my life. This new pain though, it’s stronger, more intense and greatly impacts my life. I’ve been humbled and have gained a new perspective and compassion for those of us living with invisible illnesses. The pain definitely seemed to take over my year and if I allow it it could steal the blessings and joy that 2018 also brought.
I’m not about to let that happen. So here’s what 2018 brought into my life that was amazing. I’ve been able to watch my toddler grow and develop, I’ve been able to be by her side and she hasn’t had to deal with as much separation anxiety as she would have. She is highly attached and us being together has made her year much more comforting. She’s growing into such an amazing and hilarious little girl and it’s been such a privilege and blessing to watch that happen so closely. I’ve also watched my five year old learn and explore and imagine and create and have been astounded at his capacity to learn and his passion for learning. We’ve embarked on homeschooling and I’d be lying if I told you it went amazing, we are still learning our rhythm and figuring it out but it’s definitely been a blessing. I’ve learned to live in the moment, to adapt my need for control, to trust in the One who holds me close, to live despite challenges, to dream bigger, to crush fears, to pursue the life I desire, to accept help, to lean on others, to be humbled, to slow down.
My one little word was ABUNDANCE and 2018 did not bring much of the ABUNDANCE I was hoping for but it did bring an ABUNDANCE of blessings in the midst of challenges. When I re-read my One Little Word post for 2018 I still resonate with everything I wrote. This year was the first year I continually had my word in the back of my head, I thought of it often but was usually sad at the thought of it. Perhaps I am a step closer to where I wished I would be, though I haven’t even come close to that place. I am still learning to let go of my poverty mindset, to switch my thinking but I do think that 2018 helped on that journey. It’s a lifelong journey, not one I imagine I will actually arrive at but it’s time for a new word and time to focus on a new journey.