Ah, the trials of being a parent are endless. I mean I’m only just in the beginning of this life long journey and sometimes I feel like I’m a rockstar and other times I feel like I’m just barely keeping my head above the water. Yesterday was one of those treading water, barely surviving days. I mean I’ve had worse days for sure but I’ve had much much better days as well.
Let me be 100% honest here. There are two things that are essential to life that if I don’t have adequate amounts of I will turn into someone I despise – sleep and food. I mean probably everyone struggles if they don’t get enough sleep or don’t eat well, but I feel like my reaction to exhaustion and hunger is extreme. I don’t want to talk to anyone and give Carlos a glare if he tries to talk to me. My answers to Ezekiel’s incessant toddler questions are short and impatient. That’s just a very small sample of my outward reactions to people – if you knew my internal turmoil you’d probably think I was a terrible person – and you’d be right. The worst part is that I see it all, I am 100% aware of my behaviour and I loathe it but find it incredibly difficult to change my attitude. It’s like I’m watching myself and yelling “ASHLEY GET OVER YOURSELF!” I might be able to change it for a few minutes, maybe even an hour, but it won’t last long.
That was me yesterday.
Eden has been having trouble sleeping at night and after several consecutive long nights in a row I was done. Not only that but I questioned every single thing I was doing, I convinced myself that I had created her inability to sleep at night and that there was nothing I could do to change it. I mean, probably I am to blame for some of it but I was in full on “woe is me” mode. Poor, poor pitiful me.
Do you hate the person I am explaining?
On top of not sleeping well, I was also not eating well. I have struggled this year in this area. It’s not that I’m eating junk food, it’s that I’m not spending time planning and preparing food and so most days I’m falling short on the nutrition I should be getting into my body.
So yesterday, despite my terrible attitude, I knew I had to eat better because that’s at least one part of this equation I can control. I can’t control how well Eden is sleeping but I can control the food I’m putting into my body.
After a long day I put the kids to bed, falling into bed myself right after at 6:50 pm. I drifted off to sleep at 8:30, was woken at 10 pm and wondered how I was going to make it through another night like this. I feel back asleep at 10:30 and was woken again at
Cue the angels singing.
A little tiny glimmer of hope.
A small tiny pinprick of light at the end of this long tunnel.
The first year of life is one full of so much. So much growth, so much development, so much learning, so many challenges, both for the babies and for their parents.
It can feel long.
It can feel hopeless at times.
Then there are these little moments where you understand that, yes, you can absolutely do this.
So for all you parents out there wondering if you’re going to make it.
You will, and you are.
Keep on going, you got this.