I’m on day 6 of hospitalization and modified rest. It’s weird that I have expected this to come, yet now that it’s here I’m in a bit of disbelief that it’s actually happening. Before I even became pregnant when I talked about a second pregnancy I always had this nagging in the back of my mind that it wasn’t going to be as easy. Certainly my first pregnancy wasn’t a walk in the park, it had it’s own struggles, but compared to the last 25 weeks it really was so easy. I don’t know why I was so sure this one was going to be different, I just knew. Even though I was expecting this in a way there were parts of me that still hoped I could have a relatively event free pregnancy. I was glad to take the extra pain, all the appointments and medications, modifications at work and at home if I could make it to at least 36 weeks without any serious complications.
Yet here I am wavering between peace and stress, with complications I both expected and didn’t. I expected my cervix to shorten early – but 24 weeks early? Not so much. I didn’t expect any other complications – this whole placental abruption just threw me for a loop. Right now it’s actually not as big of a concern as my cervix – the placenta is functioning well still, the baby is growing and thriving. However, my presentation of abdominal pain, no bleeding and so early on (19 weeks even though they didn’t find it until 24) is associated with poorer outcomes. Thankfully I’m in the right place should anything serious happen with the placenta and I’m taking all the necessary precautions of modified rest and listening to my body. In anyone else all of that would likely be sufficient to keep the placenta functioning healthily without any more abruption but throw in my connective tissue disorder and it’s just unknown what will happen. What is known is that my cervix will continue to shorten rapidly, and I will begin to dilate – when? Who knows, but guarantee it’s going to be a lot earlier than 38 weeks when I should be having a scheduled section. What’s not guaranteed is when baby will actually come. I mean people go a long time on bed rest and very dilated and deliver big healthy babies. That’s my ultimate prayer and goal.
All these unknowns and uncontrolled variables -it’s just so much for a control freak like me. Pregnancy is the ultimate of uncontrolled situations, anything can happen and rarely are you anticipating each situation. Instead it always seems to be a wait and deal with it when it happens situation. The opposite of what I would like.
Despite it all I’m doing my very very best to listen to my body first. I’m trying to be over cautious and joyful through it all. Not the easiest while stuck in a hospital but there really is just so much to be thankful for. I try not to think about what-if’s, instead I take each moment in each day as it comes. I try and occupy my time with useful things (quickly running out of those though!), and rest as much as possible.
This is only a short time (hopefully 12 weeks) in the grand scheme of things, and this little life growing inside me deserves the best chance possible and I’m determined to do everything I can to provide just that.