Loving Myself

Almost two years ago I had reached the lowest weight of my adult (and I think adolescent life) and I felt great! Fast forward through returning to work, several stressful situations, poor tracking of food and supreme lack of activity and now my most current health issues and I am 20 lbs heavier and not feeling great at all.

It’s not all about the weight, although I’d like to lose at least 10-15lbs of what I’ve gained, it’s more about how I feel BECAUSE of the weight.  It’s thoughts that go through my head, the discouragement I feel because I feel like I’ve failed myself.  Today I spent a full day on myself, learning to love myself the way I am, learning to be comfortable in my own skin despite what the scale says.

The thing is, is that I’ve gained the weight and punished myself by not allowing myself to buy clothes that I feel comfortable in.  The clothes I wear are wearable but definitely not comfortable and I kept promising myself that once I lost some weight then I’d be able to buy a few more items of clothing.  It’s been several months with no budging on the scale (I haven’t been trying at all), and although I do intend to change that in the next few months I am done punishing myself.  This morning I spent the entire morning just browsing the mall, trying on clothes and being so intentional with what I purchased.  Only a few items and only things that I was absolutely comfortable wearing.  I was so exhausted by the end of it but I came home excited about those items and ready to take on the next few months of intentional eating and activity.

After I returned home I decided that instead of driving to pick up Ezekiel from the Dayhome that I would walk the 2.7 km to get him.  It was so nice to just walk alone, contemplating life and enjoying the gorgeous weather.  We walked slowly back home stopping at the store and stopping to let him explore the flowers, trees, ants and anything else he was curious about.  I’m sore all over and I’m more tired than I’ve been in a while but I’m satisfied knowing that today I’ve taken one step closer to loving myself as I am.

Two summers ago I got in the habit of a daily walk or two usually at least 4-5 km in length and that’s really all I did for activity but that’s all it took to make me feel well.  I intend to get back to that place, of course daily walks on a 12hr work day aren’t going to be possible but the days in between will be full of walks and taking time out of the day for activity instead of worrying about the house and the laundry.

One comment

  1. Oh my. I know how you’re feeling. And I think you’re right to not punish yourself. It really isn’t a good motivator and it really hurts our own self esteem. Giving yourself some grace and time and space to think and just be yourself is wise. Because this isn’t really about the weight, it is about loving yourself. That is the great motivator. I was glad to read this and be encouraged by your words.


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