Overtired Ramblings

A day of feeling severely unwell followed by two night shifts and very little sleep has me so exhausted and in a state of constant reflection.  What better way to process overtired thoughts than to type them up and share them with the world right?

If you know me, or follow me on Instagram you’ll know that I’m fairly addicted to that little social media app.  Apart from Pinterest (is that social media?) I don’t have any other social media accounts, Instagram is my one and only and I’m far too attached to it then is healthy – but everyone’s gotta have their guilty pleasure…. am I right? Anyways – if you’re in the know about what’s going on in the Instagram world you’ll know that they are bringing in an algorithm to change the way you see posts.  It will no longer be chronological but based on what Instagram deems most appropriate for you to see.

Bummer.

The fact that I have been mulling over this since I learned the news gives me flashing red warning signs.  I am far too emotionally attached to something so minute and so virtual.  So instead of being upset about it I’m just accepting it as an opportunity to put that one little word I chose at the beginning of this year into action – INTENTIONAL.  I took some time this afternoon to go through my list of people I follow, narrowing it down to accounts that are people I know and love, to local small businesses, and accounts that have tangibly taught me things throughout my time following them and who I feel have really invested into me.  In the end I was able to shave down my list to 3/4 of what it was.

Less time scrolling, more time investing, paying attention, making memories and being intentional with my life.

It’s actually EXACTLY what I need right now.  So after all that emotional investment into the change I’m really thankful for it.

Speaking of being intentional, it seems like a good time to do a quick check in on how the year is shaping up.

If you’ve been reading my posts recently you’ll know that I’ve been dealing with some health issues.  I wish I could say that I have answers, or that things are looking up and getting better.  Neither of those things are true, and I’m quickly going from my optimistic upbeat self (it’s fine, it’ll all work out, it’ll get better) to a state of frustration.  I’ve actually forgotten what it’s like to eat for enjoyment, right now I’m eating purely out of necessity.  In a way it’s really helpful for my nursing practice – I now know exactly what my patients are talking about when they explain nausea, lack of appetite and struggling with eating.  I crave nothing and want to eat nothing so preparing food for myself or my family to eat is getting more and more difficult.  I suppose it’s a really good thing that I’ve spent the past two years focusing so heavily on diet and nutrition, I know exactly what I should be eating and so I’m doing my best to continue to fuel my body with food that will feed it best.  It’s actually not hard to do since “treats” only mentally tempt me because my brain still remembers that at one time I really enjoyed them, but recently each time I try and eat a treat I’m left with so much disappointment (and nausea) and so the treats are getting few and far between.  I am also doing my best to make sure that I am eating enough calories – I’d love to lose a few pounds but right now is just not the time to do that.  Enough with with debbie downer talk – here’s the good news: my family physician is AMAZING and disregards my downplaying (I have no idea why I have such a hard time being my own advocate when I spend my days being such a strong advocate for my patients – it’s a real problem).  He listens to my symptoms and even though each test has come back with results that provide no answers he’s committed to finding the answers.  He has a specialist visiting his office and doing consults on some of his patients, he made sure that I was guaranteed an appointment and I’m optimistic that some answers will be found soon.

Anyways, back to the point – all these health issues that are getting worse instead of better have made being intentional so very difficult.  I haven’t made 10,000 steps in weeks, I haven’t done yoga in even longer.  I have had to put the MCAT on hold because I literally cannot muster up enough energy to open a book.  My husband and I have done a date night each month which is a WIN and it has been so rewarding we both love and look forward to those nights.   I try so hard to be intentional with Ezekiel but often on my days off I’m feeling my worst just trying to recover from the days working so this has been a struggle.  I’m so thankful for a carefree, easy going, loving, adoring and amazing toddler – we were created for each other and God’s graces in our relationship are so evident.  I’m not worried about this but I am really looking forward to feeling well enough to be far more deliberate with our time together.

I guess in the end the moral of the story is that life is never static is it?

It’s moving, flowing, like a river through the mountains.  Obstacles get in the way but it never stops the movement of life does it? We do our best to adjust, go around the obstacles and find another path.  My path is not what I would have chosen or dreamed of but I know that it’s exactly what it’s supposed to be and I’m trusting that once I get through the current obstacles I’ll have a moment of smooth flowing.  Today in my over-emotional, overtired state of mind I’m holding on to that hope and I’m praying that you can too – no matter what you’re current obstacles are.

 

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