It’s been a long two months of absence and I’m not about to make any empty promises of a regular return. In truth I haven’t even thought a lot about this little space in the past two months. Life has been stressful, more professionally than personally but it’s taken a huge toll on me. I’m ending 2015 feeling very abnormal, very not myself and frankly it’s been a bit scary to realize how unlike myself I have become. Physically I’m run down, I have symptoms that are vague but scare me. Mentally I’m nowhere near where I’d like to be, I find it hard to be upbeat and cheery and some days although I don’t feel depressed I wonder if this is how depression can sneak up on people. Spiritually I’m almost completely absent, I just don’t have the energy to invest.
Once again I find myself in a precarious employment situation, and once again I’m trusting that the Lord knows – always – and something will inevitably work itself out. It always does. Yet, it’s still stressful – funny how our hearts speak the truth but our minds continue to wander to the lies.
I’m smack dab in the middle of a 4 night run of night shifts and instead of sleep on my break my mind was racing and I thought what better time to try and get out in words the storm of thoughts that have been accumulating. December does this to me, as much as I love Christmas (gift giving is my favourite) I also love the end of the year and beginning of a new one. Time for reflection and clean slates.
In 2015 I dubbed my “One Little Word” to be THRIVE and in some ways I feel like I achieved that but in more ways it was a complete and utter failure. I’m ok with that though, I’ve learned more and more that extending grace to ourselves in our weaknesses is far better than expecting perfection. I feel like I thrived professionally, I owned my responsibilities and I did the very best that I could. I tried hard to go above and beyond expectations, I learned SO MUCH and grew immensely as a nurse. As a Momma I also feel like I thrived – not without stumbles of course, but overall I feel like that was one part of me that survived and did well. In taking care of myself I fell flat on my face. There was no balance in that regard – the way I fed my body was not all terrible but wasn’t even close to how I want eat. I barely moved my body at all this year and I continued to be on a downward spiral in terms of how I feel overall. If 2014 was the best year for my body 2015 was almost opposite – only because I now know what it feels like to feel WELL. As a wife I struggled so much. My husband is one of the most amazing people I know but I really struggled with having enough energy to invest in US. Don’t get me wrong – we aren’t struggling in the slightest as a couple, but we will before too long unless I step it up.
Although 2015 brought so much joy, happiness and fulfilment I’m not sad to see it go. I’m ready for a new word and a clean slate.
My “One Little Word” for 2016:
So many areas of my life deserve and need some intentionality:
- Marriage – I’m determined to be present in this partnership, to push past the exhaustion and go the extra mile. I don’t think it has to be big and extravagant but it has to be intentional. Instead of going to bed early because I’m too tired to even think about having a conversation, I’ll stay up that extra 30 minutes to simply ask “how was your day?”. Once a month I’ll set aside a budget for date night and make sure that it happens.
- Myself – I deserve some intentionality, I deserve some focus. I can’t even recall how many times I’ve been sick this year, how many times my body has been so exhausted or how many times it’s been in insane amounts of pain. Some of this is out of my control but I would be amiss not to admit that a lot of it is completely within my control. In 2016 I will again be going gluten free and I will again be moving my body more those are the 2 absolute promises I’m making myself and I hope that the domino effect occurs and that one by one bad habits will dissipate as new good habits form. Instead of crawling into bed at 730 or 8 I’ll make sure that I’m staying to do the things that bring me life – creating! I’m also going to be starting on a lifelong dream of mine – I’m not ready to write about it yet but it’s already in the works and I’m excited to start!
- Friendships – This is the area of my life that 100% fell to the wayside this past year. I can probably count on my hands how many times I met up with friends this year. It’s terrible and one of my biggest regrets. Thankfully I have friends full of grace and love and I’m learning to have grace with myself as well. This year of learning how to be a full time working momma and how to teach my heart not to rip in two every minute I’m away from Ezekiel has taken a toll on my friendships. Ezekiel is a bit older now and although my love has only intensified for him, I’m learning to let go just a little bit more. Where I wouldn’t leave him home to meet up with friends, I know now that if that’s the only way I’m going to be able to invest once again, then that’s just what I’ll have to do.
- Motherhood – This is probably the area in my life that I was the most intentional and the area that is the easiest to be intentional with. Yet there is always room for improvement! I plan on doing a lot more one on one play and reading with Ezekiel this year, far more exploring and adventuring. Instead of spending 30 extra minutes in the kitchen I’ll spend it on the floor diving into the imagination of a 2 year old.
Well, there you have it – the reflections of what was and hopes for what is. 2016 is bound to be another year of immeasurable growth but I’m more than ready!