The other day I was having a text conversation with a friend who is going to be done her maternity leave next week. We were talking about how crazy life felt already, even before returning to work, because we are “preparing” to return to work. She mentioned how she felt so unprepared, in that moment I told her that regardless of how prepared or “unprepared” she was, in the end everything always works out so just enjoy the last week.
I’ve been thinking about that conversation these past couple days. Yesterday morning I woke up at 6 am and thought about how I should get up and have my “alone” time with my coffee and devotions early instead of when Ezekiel has his first nap so that I could be more productive during the day. I’ve always wanted to start my day before Ezekiel wakes up in the morning, but he isn’t sleeping through the night yet and I’ve always valued my sleep more. This morning was no different, I fell back asleep and Ezekiel woke me up at 8. Throughout the day I reflected on how much I’ve been stressing and preparing to go back to work, all for the sake of being less stressed and more organized when I do return but in the thick of it I’m still just focused on my tasks. I’ve gotten better at living in the moments – I spend more time on the floor reading books, playing peek-a-boo and patty cake when Ezekiel is awake and less time trying to get things done. I rock him a few minutes longer and give him an extra kiss or two, or three, or hundred 🙂 before he goes to sleep and I’m so glad for those moments. Yet in the back of my mind I’m still calculating the length of time it will take me to do x, y, and z and if it’s humanly possible to check off all my tasks on my to do list.
I honestly think I will always be that way. It’s who I am. But I do think there has to be some sort of balance, or compromise. I’m taking the extra time with Ezekiel to enjoy him and invest in him and just to be with him, but I’m not taking the extra time to relax and invest in me.
So I’ve made myself a promise, and they say when you make your goals public they happen more often than if you don’t. So here I am declaring that I will only stress about my back to work to do list for the next 3 weeks. The last week before I return to work is a to-do-list-free week. Monday, October 27th I will put away my to do list, I will spend every minute playing with Ezekiel or relaxing with a book and a cup of tea, maybe watch a few movies, go for long walks and whatever else my heart desires. I won’t stress about the next week because in the end everything works out anyways.